To the quick

I’ve been conflicted on what to write on my blog. It hasn’t been the greatest of stretches but an enlightening on. I found myself reflecting on ghosts of the past for to them answers of why everything is going in the way it is. I suffered a loss last year and it chooses the last month to rear its ugly head. I’ve been sad and angry lately but at least I understand it. I don’t like writing blogs like this but it’s been ping pong ball in head.

 You ever have some of those people who words can cut you to the bone quicker than anyone else in your life? There are a handful of people but it’s only someone who I truly trust and love that can do that. And that’s Mr. Big for you. His words hold an incredible amount of weight and as I’ve currently learned can get me to cry with a single sentence. I didn’t have a chance to control it. How’s that for womanly strength.  So much in my attempt to be unspookable if it only takes one person to crack me.

 I try to think over the last several months how reciprocity has worked in my favor and it hasn’t. I wondered to myself if I was following the patterns of womanhood. Reay Tannahill (Sex in history) may have been right. What if all I am viewed to society is nothing more than fuck dumpster and any intelligence I may have thought I had is nothing but an afterthought.

And that thought is pain.

I really hate crying. For the most part, I’ll excuse myself to go outside and do it in private. OR go for a drive. My mother taught me a handful of things and one was never let them see you cry.  There’s nothing worse than loving someone and feeling that sinking sensation that not only do they not only neglect to return your love but want nothing to do with you. Call it the ultimate lesson in humility. I’d never felt so stupid, so hurt then that moment.  I choked back tears and retreated into my silence deep inside my mind palace because at that moment I realized that I was nothing. It doesn’t matter how much I try to accomplish, I’ll be a dead star floating around in the glory of what could have been. Feeling unwanted by someone or hated brings me back to the good old pit of self-loathing. I have lessons in humility every day. But it’s also up to me to figure out
where the hatred is coming from on their end.

We have come so far in society as far as acceptance and yet our lives are still haunted by Victorian and ancient stereotypes. I find it amusing to think that someone might look beyond society’s graffiti on the mystic of humanity but maybe society has a ways to go. Elitism will always exist and that is someone I can no longer be.

I’ve been lucky to have Mon Amiee to hand me a tissue while I cry my heart out. At least I have the chance to discuss the multitude of my levels of love and how someone can be allowed roll me deep. There is a rare for me to cry let alone cry in front of someone else but it’s a blessing that I can never take for granted.  I’ve come to the choice that if I’m unwanted and if I stay to my own devices, it’s not the end of the world. I don’t need justification of my existence. Even if people don’t agree with my life styles or my independence, I have the assurance that I have myself and it’s a big world out there and if that person’s life is better without me, I have to realize that I am unwanted there. I have to take time to understand that their version of “logistics” is not the same as mine.

The over confidence I exude isn’t necessarily the truth. Or if I ask questions about someone’s safety, I may come off as bossy, I get that. It’s not like I mean to, I just worry about people and need to know if they are okay. I can’t save everyone and no one wants to hear about it. The fact of the matter is I work in a place that watches the entire state and if I see a tornado or flooding in someone’s direction. I’m going to warn them but like many cases, no one wants to hear about. Yes, I drive the point home but I can’t help it.

I’d always thought that I was doing the right thing by checking in on people and often been accused of being too detached to the people around me. So how do I find the middle ground in my life? How do I make the world a better place without saying a word? Someone once said that all evil needs is the indifference of good men. So would my silence be indifference?

Gratitude list:

1.       Work

a.       It’s keeping me sane.

2.       Pinterest

a.       Everyone needs a hobby

3.       A coworker quitting

a.       The peace and quiet is nice. I’d work triple just to be without the negativity and the whore comments and the boob (I was born that way, okay?) rumors.

4.       Music

a.       Violent femmes

b.      Neko

c.       Lindsey streling

d.      Rent soundtrack

e.      Zombies

f.        Fugees

g.       Sia

5.       Mon Aimee

a.       Having someone give you a hug during a bad day can make all the difference.