Gratitude list: path to enlightment

Enlightenment:

I can see the details in the detail of the details of the sky. Every inch of cloud, every gust of wind, and every smell I make myself aware.  I need that awareness to make sure I don’t shut down. When I posted my first gratitude list I was blown away by the response. Bold and unfiltered the hate flowed in. I was told I was sad, depressing and my blog was tragic. I should stop writing, they said. Mostly because they claimed no one wanted to hear it.

                I brooded for a lot of time in case you couldn’t tell from the length of time from this blog from my last. You’d like to think that the people closest to you would be your cheer leaders and support system but they’re not. People stay the same to the core and maybe they don’t want to evolve with you or face the big ugly. They become infatuated with their happy hatred of wanderlust with no desire to spread their wings and grow. I look at them with some sort of displaced circumspect and disassociation. I want to understand and not be angry. I simply want to be good and live. Truly live instead sitting behind a desk watching the world grow around me like I’ve already thrown in the towel.

                Once the blog went up and all the hatred came down, I didn’t understand why people weren’t the good in rising from the bad. Some people can’t see you work through the pain that they can’t seem to ascend from. I don’t want a world dancing with faded ghost of where I went wrong. I don’t want a glamorous world of tomorrow. I want a world my own by my own rules and maybe this is too much to ask for but maybe it’s just enough to keep me going. Keep me fighting for the world I want. So in that case, allow me to write up my gratitude list:

1.       Amy-ism : “We are complete”

a.       In this case it’s in regards to the romantic relationship we desire to have with the people. Somehow, I thought I had missed the punch line and there was this cosmic joke going on.  I didn’t understand the reactions around me when it came to romance. I figured maybe the problem was with me.  My puma pal summed it up for me quite simply: “We are complete people” she went further on to tell me about give and takes in relationships. She was right. I didn’t need someone in order to make me work. I love incidentally and not because there is hole in my life or of neediness. I don’t need someone to define and refine. I am, who I am. Like a microwave dinner, nothing need but time on a clock.

2.       Alias Perv Mcgee,:

a.       Need I say more? Sometimes you need an old friend to set your ass straight while both going through the same thing.

3.       The puma pack:

a.       I love themed girl time. This major outing:
PJ party including karaoke and missing spice girls “wanna be.” Totally worth it and always better with apple pie shots. As we mused over the smoldering ashes of cigarettes. Kells remarked to me that age groups of single women vary in names. All of us are too young and too ‘complete’ but be the glorious cougar. However between the ages of thirty to forty are considered “pumas.” Not being yet thirty, Amy and I were called pumas-in-training or as I like to think of it prepubescent pumas. Either way, as of Saturday night we dubbed ourselves the puma pack because it beats brooding alone in misery when you can brood together over bad music.

4.       Trent Reznor: “I’m still pissed off”

a.       I feel myself filled with anger from the impact of the day and I think, “wow, I’m really pissed off.” I calm myself down telling myself is ok, don’t worry about it and yet the feelings are still there. I thought I should have grown out this by now but alas I have not. It’s then that I remember that NIN Trent Reznor (could be urban legend but still funny) came out of retirement because he was “still pissed off.” Just goes to show you that at any age, you can remain perfectly pissed because it’s logical.

5.       Fan throwing and dancing:

a.       This has been my savor. I’ve been working overnight one half of the week and nights the last half with no weekend days to do something fun. So, Amy convinced me that we should do a fun type of show. Something artistic and new. Maybe adventurous. Growing up I loved mortal combat. One thing that I thought was super awesome was when the character who threw fans as a method fighting. I thought, “How many people do that outside of burlesque?” Not a whole heck of a lot. That caused me to not only a buy many folding fans but break them with gusto. Using my shadow on the wall, I’m training myself to do tricks and infuse it with various forms of dance. Now if I could do it while the fans were on fire… that’d be something.

For my puma pack gals: 

The simple things in life

Hello studio audience!

Recently things haven't been the greatest. My apartment got broken into and that person went through my personal journals. Shortly there after I was admitted in to the hospital for heart attack and stroke like symptoms. Not to mention starting a new job that requires a shit ton of memorization. Although I like my job, when the pressure is on it's fucking on. I also lost a few people in the process. People are like clothing, easily shed but the classics are always in style.

I was sitting and having a late lunch with my best friend which is always a special treat. She's the Dr. John Watson to my Sherlock Holmes (<-- BBC version a thank you). We share our tears whether it is out of laughter or pain it's a always a pleasure. We've both been encountering  some pretty heavy stuff. She brought to my attention that Oprah that some ideas on how to elevate depression and cope with various issues. The first thing I could think of "That talk show chick? With the always sunny side of thing kinda gal? Ring Ring that's reality calling. Will you expect the charges?" She gives me the knowing look and tells me that she knows it sounds corny but  she's going to roll with it.

She launches into something she dubs "The gratitude journal." She said it helped her to see some light at the end of the tunnel. I was happy that it was useful for her but I figured all I had to be thankful is the golden horse shoe in my ass that keeps me out of trouble.

However, after the last week things were looking good. I was freed of any restriction having to do with my heart, my work was going well but I couldn't help but to feel really depressed. I took the weekend off hoping to get the chance to see Mr. Big and give him a wonderful gift but unfortunately it wasn't in the cards. I was really down, hurt and just wanted to lay in bed and mope around. I couldn't shake it. Still kinda can't but I started keeping track of things I was thankful for beside the typical roof over my head, food and clean drinking water. So I figured, let blog this shit. So without further a due the first gratitude list. Pardon the flaws in the vid, I'm still getting used to this software.