The American Dream:

                I think everyone needs second start. I’ve always dreamed of the perfect fresh start. My mother reminisced wistfully that my Budapest laden Grandfather said she had ‘gypsy feet’ claiming that she could never stay in the same place too long. I always thought I had the same disease.  I am unlike my mother. I’ve become more stubborn and more set than my Piscean nature would typically allow. But secretly (or not to secretly) I wanted to bounce from place to place because I’ve always worked best on my toes. Or it could be that we, as a family, never stayed in one place long enough to enjoy the feel as fresh laid roots. 

                But I moved to America 2003, attempted to lay some roots down to in good old Iowa but as fate would have it, nothing went as planned.

The plan:

Get a job

Get married

Have lots of friends

Go to school and get my Ph. D in literature or forensics

While working my husband through school while I work on school

Get hired

Go traveling

Have beautiful children

Lose weight

Enjoy the fruits that life has to offer

                Sounds good right? Sounds like a simple enough plan? Well, not so much. As I look back at my elder counter parts I think to myself, “Wow you fuckers had NO idea what you were doing and you didn’t warn me!? What the flying fuck!?” 

What actually happened:

Got (stuck in) the job

Got married

Getting divorced

Lost the friends (in hindsight I should have specified the word “GOOD” in the description)

Went to school, attained a mediocre degree and screwed up my school thanks to my old pal Cancer (more on that… eventually).

Work my Husband through school as much as I could and dropped out

Did a little traveling

Miscarried

Lost job

Gained weight

Surviving.

                So to me, the American dream seemed to die inside me along with any hope of the future. I kept praying the future to turn up. As of recent, I have been contemplating carrying my pathetic ass to Canada and/or Hungary. I have been pounding the pavement looking for the perfect job trying to find a reason not to throw in the towel. Was the American dream dead? The one I came here for, endured for, bleed and gave chunks of my soul dead and buried in some ditch? For the last year, I had thought the American dream died with all of mine.

                Part of me felt guilty for leaving my family behind. Something I haven’t felt ever. Regret was also a feeling I wasn’t familiar with but alas the last year had been laden with it. I needed hope, a hero but this isn’t a comic book and I sure as hell wasn’t Batman.

I got a last minute interview with a company that is outside of the corporate realm.  I debated in my head whether I should go to this interview or not. After all I would be walking in completely cold but it was an interview and I thought why not?

                When I first entered the office, I felt a pang of anxiety as if I was transported back in time to high school and hauled into the principal’s office. The man before me had steely ice cold eyes, a strong hand shake and thick silver strands gracing his head.  I felt the comfort of the fact that he was wearing jeans and for the most part the area was casual. However this was not your typical interview. 

                Usually it turns into the same manufactured questions over and over again but this guy ACTUALLY looked at my resume. He asked me questions about how it was layered. Not only that, he asked me about my computer knowledge. I told him what I was familiar with and expanded on that. I however woefully mentioned my lacking of a certificate and explained my experience. He told me that it was just a piece of paper. It made me feel something I hadn’t felt in a long time. I felt somehow validated, as if I wasn’t as dumb as I felt I was.

                I really hope I get this job. It isn’t your standard receptionist job. I’d be walking around talking to people and doing other things either than just staying stapled to a chair. In this hour interview, he talked about the company and things that embody the American dream. Precedence, chances, the ideals of the self made man. It comforted me to hear someone that wasn’t sitting in TV land somewhere telling me about what I should think; it was a living, breathing person. I saw a clear and unwavering belief in his eyes. It was something that gave me a shred of hope to ask,

What is the American Dream….. Really?

Living the Twilight Zone Life in an interview world

                My legs are kicked up as I blog and I am watching “in the eye of the beholder” episode of the twilight zone. It’s the episode were a patient is making several operations to look “normal.” During the entire episode the characters are all in silhouette. The doctors and nurse all proclaim how hideous she is and the female lead, Miss Tyler, not only explains the extent of ugliness but wishes to be euthanized if the treatment doesn’t work. 

This being her 11^th surgery she must be segregated to another community. It is mandatory by the state that all must look a certain way. Upon the removal of her bandages a perfectly beautiful woman is revealed.  The nurses and doctors are a gas in shock for the surgery was not a success. As the woman attempts to run away, the faces of the staff are revealed to those with pig faces.  Like all “Twilight Zone” episodes it has its own twists of irony. 

I like to think of most of my life a lot like the “Twilight Zone.” One such occasion is my day.  I started with intense dreams that could only be explained as “Quantum Leap” on crack knocking me off of my personal equilibrium. The events of the last year had yet to hit me but there was an overtone to the day that sang of the somberness that only an impending resolution can bring. My nerves were on edge while time sipped by and me tripping over it. 

I got a letter claiming that I would have to attend a fact finding interview about my unemployment. Crap. I went to my car groping for a much needed cigarette. I once again checked off “stop smoking so much” on my to do list as ‘shit that won’t be happening anytime soon.’ I ventured toward the tumbling terrain toward West Des Moines.  First off I’m late and fairly certain that there is a black hold of time between Boone and the Des Moines area. The reason I say that is because after I get out of that area time returns to normal.  But this place was damned sucker to find. I used my magical powers deduction to find my way to an interview that had been scheduled a half hour earlier. 

Being sucked into time wrap also made my GPS fritz out and once again plop me smack dap in the middle of freaking suburbia.  I called and told the office I was having trouble finding their office.  The man I had asked if I wanted to reschedule but I said no. For the simple fact that I might not find their office and at this rate I was tenacious. After spending an hour on the road, I was going to make it even if they wouldn’t consider me for employment. I was half expected them to say don’t bother but understandably enough they were all to used to this happening. It took me a half hour to circle around the same block repeatedly. I finally found an unmarked building with way too many locked doors and just as few people coming out of it. 

The interview in and of itself told about what was important to me versus what was not.  My interviewing style had changed greatly. The job is prospective. With a few major drawbacks it looks as if it could be something I could do long term but one the other hand it is 100% commission. It has advancement opportunity but I’d have to get a license.

 I thought back to the episode while a new one ‘In the nick of time’ (starring the illustrious William Shatner (Who said “stop treating me like a retarded child” in the episode) awesome). Maybe that’s the way employment is. The job is in the eye of the beholder. It could be perceived in any number of ways this would be ideal or the in another sense it could be the worst decision in my life but no matter what I would be up to me what job would be best but one thing is certain, I’m not relying on a coin toss.

Coupon? Que-pon? Q-pin?

                So, I’m jobless. Big shock. However I have taken to doing weird and bizarre odd jobs to pass the time or until I can find some sort of gainful employment. So this week’s adventure included handing out coupons booklets around the city of Ames for the students to feast upon during the upcoming semester. 

                Yesterday wasn’t so bad. I talked to people I knew and most I didn’t. Landed on my ass due to black ice (thank god polyester dries quickly). By the end of it I was exhausted and couldn’t wait to get home. However, today was a motherfucking mess. I’m good at playing the shutdown game but today I just couldn’t. I shut down my face and looked blank and dumb but today I felt ashamed. Downright ashamed.

For many reasons:

1.       Seeing college students happy with their classes filled with hope that their degree will get them somewhere. Seeing them talk with their friends about their first week and how exciting it was. I never really had anyone to share in that occasion with. Not just that but there was a part of me wanting to scream at them “RUN! IT’S ALL A LIE!!!! DEGREES DON’T GET YOU SHIT IN THE REAL WORLD!” But who was I to judge?  Now a decade over the typical college age starter, I am now a jaded and cynical adult.  Or maybe I have seen too many people get fucked over by getting degrees they THINK will get them the job they truly desire. Or perhaps, I just gave up on my dreams and that part of me is long dead.

a.       I always dreamed I would be a globe-trotting writer communicating with people that I’d never met in places I hadn’t ever heard of.  I like to think of myself as a writer, but as a good friend once put it, “You’re not published so you are not a writer.” There is most likely a big hunk of truth that anyone has ever given me. Give to me by someone I secretly had a giant crush on and maybe had the blossoming beginnings of love’s first kiss. To make matters even worse, while handing out said coupons- I bumped into him. I gave him an awkward hugs, exchanged greetings with a choked out “the quickest line is that away.” I wanted the floor to swallow me up at that moment because not only was that awkward but it just reminded me of how much of my education I had wasted and if I had worked harder maybe I wouldn’t be where I am at this very moment.

2.       Lectures.

a.        Everyone was giving them to me today.

                                                               i.        From my impact on global pollution (F.Y.I shit rooster, paper is Biodegradable. Your I-Pad on the other hand is NOT).

                                                             ii.      Some guy functioning to “stealth mode” to run away.

                                                            iii.      ‘I feel so bad for you’ so I’m just going to take this. Yes, someone did say that to me.

                                                           iv.      ‘I’m better than you’ stares

Needless to say by the end of the day I was mess.  Haunted by my failures, plagues by people and wishing to wander off into the crowd and be lost. On the other hand, it was an interesting assessment of the human condition.  It gave an idea on how quickly the zombie virus could spread. Or who is an athletes and who are studying to be engineers. Attitudes toward other people are either hot, cold, oblivious or utterly indifferent.  I could help but to wonder what attitude am I?  

In the Twilight Zone

Right now I'm just chilling on the coach attempting to write my first blog ever on a tablet. I'm soaking myself in the vast oddessy of"The Twilight Zone." There's something refreshing about enjoying the seedy under belly of our subconscious and mildly amusing to think about the paradox of the human mind. I've had a lazy few days and its been nice.I'm trying to get enough sleep and eat. I feel like I'm in a paradox of healing sickness. so testing up is on my main set of objectives. I'm reorganizing my life and living it although it terrified me to think of the check that's in the mail right now. this could be worse.Much worse but at least I have some people who want to hire me. It's a scary thought but I'm just happy that I'm one of the lucky ones. I hope things keep looking up.

the weird thing is that I keep waiting for the moment when I have a panic attack and I start freaking out because I lost my job. But, it hasn't arrived. I'm calm, I'm peaceful and relaxed. Mainly relieved. Maybe I didn't realize how much I hated my job. how much it took me away from the things I love the most. no more 60 weeks and maybe a real chance to achieve those false promises that were given to me but through a place that has a good position for me. So, regardless I'm optimistic. Feeling more like myself everyday. It's a good feeling.

Unemployment: a first for me

                  This week I was forced with the issue of unemployment. Let me get one thing straight. I have never in my life been unemployed. I've always been working either one to three jobs and/or going to school. Getting a full night's rest and a day of free time has rarely ever come… okay. I have rarely ever gotten either. It’s one or the other but never at the same time. 

                My grandfather ground it in my head, at a very young age, you work hard- you can get anywhere. But work it would seem to be is its own prison. It was a place I could lock myself away, never ever have to think about anything but the job. The job was the “important” thing. Focus on perfect of technique.  Focus on diversity of product. I had to focus, focus hard, and multi-task.  Multi-task to forget, multi-task to drown multitask until every single part of myself so that I don't have to remember the ghosts in the hall.

                As I look from the window of my ivory tower, an eerie beige dense fog is settling over the town. I resist the urge to look behind for the ghosts that no longer have a hall to haunt. I see only darkness and the marks of beige light that reflect off the silver and wood that give me that familiar sense of solace. But today, there are no ghosts. No thoughts but clarity following the setting of sun but tomorrow will be a new day with a new blog and maybe this is a sign for me for a new beginning.  A new set of writing and thoughts to spread to the known universe or maybe a chance to reassess the situation. 

                I have unemployment for now and my job is strangely enough is to find one but in the meantime some restorative writing therapy is in order. I need to follow my dreams not pretend that they are not there.

My sins against myself are as follows:

I put myself down for everything

I am militant when it comes to getting what I want. No matter who or what gets in the way

I blame myself for the mistakes of others

I have trouble seeing flaws in those I love

Ejecting people out of my life

Rejecting people coming close to me

Walling my in to the world out

Trouble moving forward unless I bring everyone around me with me

(It’s now setting in that sometimes I have to leave people behind in order to come back to help them. Or give them the opportunity to help themselves. Sometimes, I have to let the battle go to win the war)

Learn from my dreams not dismiss them (They’re tickets to my sub conscience)

Getting cocky when I should take just one step backward and examine what I’m doing

Grammar, most of the time I can’t even spell the word (At least I’m charming)

I have a barely noticeable stutter when I’m actually thinking about what I’m saying. Usually it just tumbles out of my mind without much thought.

I feel guilty for everything. Literally, everything.

I don’t always wish the best for everyone but then I feel sorrier than I did before I thought the thought

I constantly weigh myself (within the last few days not so much because… its FML moments come a lot)

I don’t go to church

I don’t read much or any religious doctrine

I get preachy

I get stubborn

I get sad

I get angry

I pout

I watch an excessive amount of Netflix

I purchase various forms of girlie goo to attempt to remedy things I hate to do but do them anyway.

That dear fans is the short list and honestly this was supposed to be a blog about my feelings about being unemployed but the fact of the matter is that I was relieved that it was all done and over with. What more could a gal ask for? I wasn’t happy, the stress from my superiors was killing and I had no social life to speak of and it’s not as if this was a week here or there scenario it was a 9 month scenario. I need a life, my family, my friends, short list I know but it’s the small things that count. That and I wasn’t getting anywhere by working there.

So, with this temporary new found freedom I am going to write, relax, address those mean old ghosts in the hall and become right with myself again. No more hiding in my work, it’s growing season. I’ll let you know when it’s harvest season.

Quickie shout out!

Shout out to all the people reading my blog! Thank you for keeping me writing and giving me a chance to connect to you. And to my international people, I feel like you guys put a feather in my cap. All of you are my gold stars :). I'm grateful and thank you so much!

Resolving a new year.

First off let me start off by giving 2012 a hearty fuck you.  Digging my car out of a parking lot and losing my cell at the same time was just another way to say “see ya.” Needless to say, I didn’t celebrate New Year ’s Eve. I curled up with my Tablet trying to get warm praying I could find where my cell went because I had no other way of telling time. I had an alarm clock that wouldn’t set at the right time and well. A whole four hours was acquired due to my paranoia of arriving late to work… again. That is usually the major sign that it’s time to get a new job. Seriously. MY give a shit left about a month ago.

However in my delirium I came up with a slight of rebellion.

Typically I don’t do a resolution list. I think it’s a crock and setting myself up for failure. But you know what. I want goals for myself and myself alone. It’s time for mourning my life to end. Even though my drinking prowess would say otherwise, I’d make a terrible catholic. Or any categorized religion for that matter. So I decided to set some realistic goals. Goals, that I didn’t decide that I wanted until today. So, I guess I miss out on a final pig out/ drunken debauchery. Oh, well there’s always 2014.

The list:

1.       Get fit.

a.       No, I’m not crash dieting. I’m not going to freak out over everything I’m eating but take time for myself to do some yoga, or weight lift, run and other cardio fun. Yes I enjoy exercising. Shock I know. I’m over weight but you know what, I still run circles around 50 percent of the skinny bastards I know. So there.

b.      15 minutes a day of doing whatever. No matter how tired. And yes I realize that I have fallen asleep lifting weights and in yoga positions but damn it! Effort is half the battle.

2.       Get published.

a.       Fuck yeah I’m doing it. Yes, I blog but you know that really doesn’t count but I’m going to make it work.

b.      Work on my poetry harder

c.       Exercising my story line book.

3.       Spend some time one beauty fun:

a.       I have eye shadow, but when do I have time to put on my lashes?

b.      Plucking. It needs to happen more often

c.       Lip stains, time to invest

d.      Edgy new hair cut

e.      Funky color

f.        Primer, how did I live with out it?

g.       Buy clip on bangs. Why not?

4.       Bring the sexy back:

a.       New lacey bras

b.      New lacey undies

c.       Garter belts (all mine have gone missing)

d.      Corsets

                                                               i.      Pleather, leather, lace,  silk, I’m wearing them.

e.      Lingere:

                                                               i.      One long silk white, red or black gown

                                                             ii.      Shirts

                                                            iii.      Fishnets, lots of them

                                                           iv.      Cuban roll up stockings

f.        Shoes:

                                                               i.      Thigh high boots

                                                             ii.      Gain height and dance all night

5.       Get out:

a.       Concerts

b.      Karaoke

c.       Ice skating

d.      Art museums

e.      History museums

f.        Weird road side attractions

g.       Vine yards

h.      Old churches

i.         Ghost towns

j.        Carnivals at night

k.       Clubbing with friends in the spot light

l.         Writing cram sessions with Ally

m.    Go to a blues bar

n.      Go to a hookah bar

o.      Go Back to Toronto

6.       Fix my broken relationships:

a.       Tell the people that matter in my life how much I love them

b.      Express my feelings to people who matter

c.       Change the future with people to make a better tomorrow

7.       Love myself

a.       Small

b.      Simple

c.       Be a necessary to start the new year and a new life. That I want more than anything.

So, That list (thus far). What are you going to change in your life?

Even a song like this can get me moving! Get moving people! We can rock this year!

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