The last piece

The color of July:

                I’m beginning to think that the month of July hates me. I could be having the time of my life and BOOM here comes July to crap all over everything. I’m trying to take everything in stride but maybe I’m not that great of a person. I’m just tired but at least the gratitude list has me taking everything a little bit better.

               

              Despite my sporadic posting (at best) I’ve been focusing on the things to be grateful for. Life is full of challenges and the protagonist doesn’t always win.  As much as I hate to say that something is what it is, life simple is what it is. Which is pretty much everything. No matter what you just have to keep walking I like to call it our Hungarian credo. Maybe it won’t be the most graceful of walks or fierce but my head will be held up high and there are better things that deserve my attention.

                My heart may be broken… again… literally. Hopefully, my trip to the doctor today will give me better information.  It’s been worse the last week but I’ll get through it. But all and all I’m grateful for the life I’ve led thus far. I hope to continue it LOL! But should ever the worst should happen, I know that the life I’ve led is my own and it’s rocked.

Things I know/ gratitude list:

               True love exists, just not for me. I will always give it freely but to be loved by one, truly loved would be something people would have to earn. Call me a skeptic but a good chunk of people think they are entitled to it.

1.       But I have the love of:

a.       Friends

b.      Family

c.       Strangers who I’ve affected and didn’t know it. I made impact that changed their lives and if I can’t find beauty in that, where can you?

2.       Luck is where you find it; I just always seem to leave it under the couch or stuck in between cushions

3.       Shit happens but good can come of it.

4.       I can make my dreams happen

5.       I can make changes in my life and no one has the power to break my will unless I allow it. Even if Mr. Big thinks I’m dumb, doesn’t love me or can’t spare a second to say hello- it’s my choice to allow it to break my spirit. Although it may break my heart and tear it to shreds, I have the one piece. There is the one piece that no one can ever take from me. The one piece that remembers the love I have for the world around me, the pieces that know that a fire burns with in and that I don’t need justification from anyone.  It is that one piece of myself that still lives, still burns, holds me up when I can no longer keep going.  It holds my hands and tells me it’s okay to feel, to be human.

It’s up to me to keep that piece to myself and it is in my right to take it back should I ever lend it out. These are the things that I am grateful for.

To the quick

I’ve been conflicted on what to write on my blog. It hasn’t been the greatest of stretches but an enlightening on. I found myself reflecting on ghosts of the past for to them answers of why everything is going in the way it is. I suffered a loss last year and it chooses the last month to rear its ugly head. I’ve been sad and angry lately but at least I understand it. I don’t like writing blogs like this but it’s been ping pong ball in head.

 You ever have some of those people who words can cut you to the bone quicker than anyone else in your life? There are a handful of people but it’s only someone who I truly trust and love that can do that. And that’s Mr. Big for you. His words hold an incredible amount of weight and as I’ve currently learned can get me to cry with a single sentence. I didn’t have a chance to control it. How’s that for womanly strength.  So much in my attempt to be unspookable if it only takes one person to crack me.

 I try to think over the last several months how reciprocity has worked in my favor and it hasn’t. I wondered to myself if I was following the patterns of womanhood. Reay Tannahill (Sex in history) may have been right. What if all I am viewed to society is nothing more than fuck dumpster and any intelligence I may have thought I had is nothing but an afterthought.

And that thought is pain.

I really hate crying. For the most part, I’ll excuse myself to go outside and do it in private. OR go for a drive. My mother taught me a handful of things and one was never let them see you cry.  There’s nothing worse than loving someone and feeling that sinking sensation that not only do they not only neglect to return your love but want nothing to do with you. Call it the ultimate lesson in humility. I’d never felt so stupid, so hurt then that moment.  I choked back tears and retreated into my silence deep inside my mind palace because at that moment I realized that I was nothing. It doesn’t matter how much I try to accomplish, I’ll be a dead star floating around in the glory of what could have been. Feeling unwanted by someone or hated brings me back to the good old pit of self-loathing. I have lessons in humility every day. But it’s also up to me to figure out
where the hatred is coming from on their end.

We have come so far in society as far as acceptance and yet our lives are still haunted by Victorian and ancient stereotypes. I find it amusing to think that someone might look beyond society’s graffiti on the mystic of humanity but maybe society has a ways to go. Elitism will always exist and that is someone I can no longer be.

I’ve been lucky to have Mon Amiee to hand me a tissue while I cry my heart out. At least I have the chance to discuss the multitude of my levels of love and how someone can be allowed roll me deep. There is a rare for me to cry let alone cry in front of someone else but it’s a blessing that I can never take for granted.  I’ve come to the choice that if I’m unwanted and if I stay to my own devices, it’s not the end of the world. I don’t need justification of my existence. Even if people don’t agree with my life styles or my independence, I have the assurance that I have myself and it’s a big world out there and if that person’s life is better without me, I have to realize that I am unwanted there. I have to take time to understand that their version of “logistics” is not the same as mine.

The over confidence I exude isn’t necessarily the truth. Or if I ask questions about someone’s safety, I may come off as bossy, I get that. It’s not like I mean to, I just worry about people and need to know if they are okay. I can’t save everyone and no one wants to hear about it. The fact of the matter is I work in a place that watches the entire state and if I see a tornado or flooding in someone’s direction. I’m going to warn them but like many cases, no one wants to hear about. Yes, I drive the point home but I can’t help it.

I’d always thought that I was doing the right thing by checking in on people and often been accused of being too detached to the people around me. So how do I find the middle ground in my life? How do I make the world a better place without saying a word? Someone once said that all evil needs is the indifference of good men. So would my silence be indifference?

Gratitude list:

1.       Work

a.       It’s keeping me sane.

2.       Pinterest

a.       Everyone needs a hobby

3.       A coworker quitting

a.       The peace and quiet is nice. I’d work triple just to be without the negativity and the whore comments and the boob (I was born that way, okay?) rumors.

4.       Music

a.       Violent femmes

b.      Neko

c.       Lindsey streling

d.      Rent soundtrack

e.      Zombies

f.        Fugees

g.       Sia

5.       Mon Aimee

a.       Having someone give you a hug during a bad day can make all the difference.

Part one: I'll tell you what I want. What I really really want... in a lover

You’re gonna love this. I like to make these lists and as such I’ve begun to gain a reputation among my gals as an … picky person with strict codes This is part one:

               

                Enjoy!

Myth one: “If there’s no Ph.D. forget getting through these knees”

                No joke. I like my lovers smart. Okay, maybe a little maybe a little more than smart. But I prefer the term exceptional in something. I like there to be something either than face value. I want to be intellectually challenged. I want more than just staring at someone five years later over dinner or breakfast and thinking: “Oh fuck, I’m bored.” That moment is pure horror.

So this is what I look for in a potential mate:

1.       A kind heart:

a.       Not just make believe hearts in flowers who will turn on you.

b.      Someone who thinks of the little things.

                                                                           i.      Purchases: I don’t need millions and millions of things. I prefer the following:

1.       A kind card, note, a little cartoon figure that will make me giggle.

2.       Make me laugh. Silly jokes don’t take yourself to seriously

3.       A kiss on the hand, my cheek

4.       A smile.

5.       A movie night with experimental cooking following it up with hard core movies that are so bad they would make 80’s hair cry with pain!

6.       I want someone who likes me without makeup that I can wear a dress around

7.       Someone who will not only grow but grow with you

8.       Vincent Price. I’m a fan!

9.       Surprises.

10.   If you ever give me jewelry, Give me something thoughtful like a secret between us. Something that no matter how far away you are I can always feel a little bit closer.

11.   I can buy my own drinks but a lover who knows what I like and pick out a wine that’s exactly what we’d love. We could share it over absurd conversations on a sky scraper or a middle of a field.

12.   Experience life with me and love me for it.

13.   If you are ever lucky enough to see me cry. I don’t need coddling. Don’t pump me up. Just talk to me like a normal person and maybe hold me

14.   Adventures are always fun

15.   Dancing

16.   When I give you a gift, I just want to make you feel special and that I’ve spend hours looking for something that would be just right.

2.       The ability to experience:

a.       Make plans for dreams

b.      Enjoy the feel of a beach and the joy of some dare devil activities

c.       Fun sex stuff. Hey! Give me a break here! We all have needs.

d.      Watch the sunset together

e.      Blow bubbles and fly kites

f.        Going places We’ve never been

g.       Tell me about your dreams and things of the past.

h.      Appreciate my chest and don’t get embarrassed. I’ve been seriously thinking about getting a reduction just to stop getting the looks.

Myth number two: “The back ground check”

                There is a very good reason this is in place. I won’t recite the many exes that warrant that rule.

3.       If you are a good person and I see good in you. I won’t check you but if you keep bringing it up, my third gut will go off and say, he’s hiding something.  If I get the inkling I can’t trust you you’re already done.

4.       Be you. Don’t put on a face or lie, I’ll clock it and out the door you will be.

5.       Don’t get weird about money. A lot of relationships end of money and I have had my fair share. I don’t care how much you make or are worth only that you treat me as an equal and you check that shit at the door. It doesn’t impress me, it shows posturing and after the 37^th time it’s old. Unless you’ve got a huge raise and good things are coming around for you. Then let me be the first to say “Congrats and let me make you dinner!”

6.       Be a good person.

What I find sexy:

1.       A smile

2.       A laugh

3.       Charm

4.       An accent (SHUT UP! I’m still a girl)

5.       Someone who can dance

6.       Funny

7.       Smart

8.       Clever

9.       Well read

10.   Enjoys different food

11.   Gives lingering touches and kisses.

12.   A little bit of romance but not chokingly gross.

13.   Good taste in music

14.   A close whisper

15.   Intelligence

16.   Intelligence

17.   Intelligence

18.   A thoughtful message or call or text even if it’s a joke.

a.       You don’t make time for me. I clearly don’t mean anything you.

19.   Wonderful back rubs

20.   Good taste in wine

21.   Candles, hot, oil and great taste in everything

22.   A love of:

a.        books

b.      Art

c.       Music

d.      Culture

e.      Games

f.        Sports

                                                                                                                                                   i.      Badminton

                                                                                                                                                 ii.      Golf

                                                                                                                                                iii.      Frisbee

                                                                                                                                               iv.      Bowling

                                                                                                                                                 v.      Drag racing

                                                                                                                                               vi.      Motorcycles

                                                                                                                                              vii.      Basketball

                                                                                                                                            viii.      Soccer

                                                                                                                                               ix.      Darts

                                                                                                                                                 x.      Fire breathing

                                                                                                                                               xi.      Belly dancing

                                                                                                                                              xii.      Knife throwing

                                                                                                                                            xiii.      Fan throwing

                                                                                                                                            xiv.      Belly dancing

                                                                                                                                             xv.      Yoga

                                                                                                                                            xvi.      Marksmen ship

                                                                                                                                          xvii.      Archery

1.       You know, let’s just toss it up to a lot.

23.   Big hugs

24.   Tender touches

25.   Rougher touches

26.   A burning gaze

27.   Hidden touches

a.       Oh wait that’s the last novel I read. My bad!!!!

Part two to come…..