The end of the deadly 27:

My birthday is coming on Sunday and I intend on celebrating it with a single cupcake, a single candle and a single glass of wine. As soon as I blow out that candle it will be the end of my 27^th year and therefore my last year of sullied innocence. Everyone I have known who has reached their 27^th year has gone insane or reached a peak of madness. I had so feared my 27^th year that I had become a shut in and refused to celebrate any holiday. What is the point when you spend the majority of your time alone?  But in the same fact I cherish my solitude.  

 I had long since wanted to publish my novel or at least be picked up. But the fact of the matter is that since my life has been shattered to pieces. In my mind I had spent most of the last two years staring at the scattered pieces wondering why. I kept shoving those thoughts somewhere underneath the sodden pile of “just for now” thoughts. But it wasn’t just for now, was it? It had spanned over two years and was I going to let it leak over another two or better yet the last decade of my life. 

Yet it is within this 27^th year that the horrors of the broken parts of my life have come to light and without anyone to blame I secretly turn into myself and search of the reasons behind my ruinous failure. Failure of the wife I should have been, friends I could have saved, the family I miss so much but can’t step out of my shell to even say so. But for the future some of these things I can remedy. Mostly, I can start by keeping up with my deadline of May to get my novel published. Well my first novel published.  The one thing that makes me happiest in the whole world is writing because with all the things that have been ripped from me, my mind is still mine. My thoughts still my own. 

I have come to the end of my age of innocence but with the loss of innocence come the occurrence of wisdom. Age comes wisdom but in this new found sense of guidance that I can help someone who was once like me.  I can help them to know that they are not alone and they can have a life full of love. Each seed of pain can grow into a vibrant but they need light to comfort them.  But as of March 10^th between the hours of 5-6 am, I am changing my life. 

My writing, my healing and my love will be the first things in my life. It is time to sweep up those tattered pieces and put them to rest in the graveyard of my mind better known as my mental archive.  But most importantly, I hope that those ghosts stay dead.