Unemployment: a first for me

                  This week I was forced with the issue of unemployment. Let me get one thing straight. I have never in my life been unemployed. I've always been working either one to three jobs and/or going to school. Getting a full night's rest and a day of free time has rarely ever come… okay. I have rarely ever gotten either. It’s one or the other but never at the same time. 

                My grandfather ground it in my head, at a very young age, you work hard- you can get anywhere. But work it would seem to be is its own prison. It was a place I could lock myself away, never ever have to think about anything but the job. The job was the “important” thing. Focus on perfect of technique.  Focus on diversity of product. I had to focus, focus hard, and multi-task.  Multi-task to forget, multi-task to drown multitask until every single part of myself so that I don't have to remember the ghosts in the hall.

                As I look from the window of my ivory tower, an eerie beige dense fog is settling over the town. I resist the urge to look behind for the ghosts that no longer have a hall to haunt. I see only darkness and the marks of beige light that reflect off the silver and wood that give me that familiar sense of solace. But today, there are no ghosts. No thoughts but clarity following the setting of sun but tomorrow will be a new day with a new blog and maybe this is a sign for me for a new beginning.  A new set of writing and thoughts to spread to the known universe or maybe a chance to reassess the situation. 

                I have unemployment for now and my job is strangely enough is to find one but in the meantime some restorative writing therapy is in order. I need to follow my dreams not pretend that they are not there.

My sins against myself are as follows:

I put myself down for everything

I am militant when it comes to getting what I want. No matter who or what gets in the way

I blame myself for the mistakes of others

I have trouble seeing flaws in those I love

Ejecting people out of my life

Rejecting people coming close to me

Walling my in to the world out

Trouble moving forward unless I bring everyone around me with me

(It’s now setting in that sometimes I have to leave people behind in order to come back to help them. Or give them the opportunity to help themselves. Sometimes, I have to let the battle go to win the war)

Learn from my dreams not dismiss them (They’re tickets to my sub conscience)

Getting cocky when I should take just one step backward and examine what I’m doing

Grammar, most of the time I can’t even spell the word (At least I’m charming)

I have a barely noticeable stutter when I’m actually thinking about what I’m saying. Usually it just tumbles out of my mind without much thought.

I feel guilty for everything. Literally, everything.

I don’t always wish the best for everyone but then I feel sorrier than I did before I thought the thought

I constantly weigh myself (within the last few days not so much because… its FML moments come a lot)

I don’t go to church

I don’t read much or any religious doctrine

I get preachy

I get stubborn

I get sad

I get angry

I pout

I watch an excessive amount of Netflix

I purchase various forms of girlie goo to attempt to remedy things I hate to do but do them anyway.

That dear fans is the short list and honestly this was supposed to be a blog about my feelings about being unemployed but the fact of the matter is that I was relieved that it was all done and over with. What more could a gal ask for? I wasn’t happy, the stress from my superiors was killing and I had no social life to speak of and it’s not as if this was a week here or there scenario it was a 9 month scenario. I need a life, my family, my friends, short list I know but it’s the small things that count. That and I wasn’t getting anywhere by working there.

So, with this temporary new found freedom I am going to write, relax, address those mean old ghosts in the hall and become right with myself again. No more hiding in my work, it’s growing season. I’ll let you know when it’s harvest season.