The beauty in the beast:
Yes, I’m
breathing in the emptiness that is Valentine ’s Day. I call it empty because I am
somewhere in the realm of bring a bitch hermit mode. But in my heart I celebrate the love that
others have for one another. My love however is miles and miles away from me.
And the memories of the past haunt me even greater. There is such a sense of a
disillusion in my heart a person torn between two worlds. At first I thought a long distance relationship
would be a good thing for me. The ability live and act as a single woman can
with a man who loves her undying.
However, I am finding myself in the need of emotional
comfort. A hug or a smile anything that could make me feel that I am human and
deserve something to fight for. But
inside I’m rotting. A part of me is
dying and I don’t know what it is. My only saving grace is that I’m alone. But unfortunately
the Rock star and the Bear have noticed.
I start looking in the mirror to see what they saw. They noticed my
hallowed out eyes, chubby cheeks and eye brows that should have been plucked a
long time ago. Right now they are keeping me sane. I felt as if the outside was
changing to how I felt on the inside.
Bear said that I looked like I had let myself go. I replied
to him in a pointed voice. “My boyfriend isn’t here, I have no coworkers and
who the hell do I have to impress. I don’t even need to go to anywhere. Just me
and my trusty bank account. ” He eyeballed me with truth in his eyes.
“What’s wrong with you? You are acting really weird.”
Given that fact that I’m already
weird, I’ve gotten into the realm of agoraphobia.
I was so proud of myself to be able for being able to go outside even if it was
for a 15 minute drive. I need an
emotional support system. I decided to
go back on my meds in an attempting to
keep this hidden clock in my mind ticking.
Bear had brought me breakfast one day and a nice valentine’s
card. Even though he is my ex. We still do nice things for one another. I felt
bad that I couldn’t get anything for anyone this year because I am literally
living on nothing. Saving the extra cash for gas money for one of three jobs I
have. It’s all in the waiting game.
I vowed no romantic movies today. I didn’t want to spend the
day weeping about the pain of feeling unloved and mentally exhausted. So instead
I decided to watch Anime and the usual Horror films with a dash of Godzilla.
But one thing caught my heart today. It was my favorite episode of the best
show ever. “Once upon a Time” with episode called “Skin deep” it talks about
Rumplestilkskin and Belle. I always related to Belle more than any other character
in the Disney Universe.
We both love to read, always wanting to do the right thing
and never giving hope that there is a shred of good in everyone. But this
episode made me cry each time. Not because it was riddled with tragedy but
because I knew the essence of true love and loss. As for always there is this
pit of my stomach that retches to know that is my fate but with being said, I
that comes a happily ever out there someone. Even someone with me.
But for the moment, no matter long that moment- I am loved
but I am still fighting the beauty within the beast. To my true friends, Bear
with me. I love you all very much by me even though silence and disappearing
are not meant to hurt you but protect for my own broken heart.
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