Rammstein: The Death wish tour. Part one

                I remember the phone call so clearly. “It’s Cancer, you’ll need to come in for treatment.” My world froze.  My migraines were crushing me sending me into the ER every week and I had more holes in my arm than a heroin addict during fleet week.  They were running every test on me that were humanly possible. They suspected that I might have brain cancer to begin with but to me it sounded as realistic as a pipe dream. But this wasn’t the brain cancer that I was semi prepared for but Cervical Cancer was not one of them. 

                I was rotting from the inside out and I left rotted out. MY brain froze and my life halted. All I had was my novel and if I could finish that my life wouldn’t be the worthless rotted filth fest I was beginning to see. I’d spent hours in the company of coffee, cigarettes and the music styling’s of Rammstein (Rosen Rot and Love is for all) Emigrate and Oomph. I declined treatment for months; my then husband was upset with me. As far as I knew I was a dead woman walking and if I was going to die from cancer, I wanted to die who I am and not a lifeless husk on life support. 

                I’d stopped going into the doctor’s appointments and I had decided secretly, just to let myself go. The music seemed to be the only thing that soothed the pain.  With my old partner in crime,  Lindsey we had a lot of good old memories with Rammstein. We listened to “Live Aus Berlin” while we played drunken Mario party letting lose the ambiguity of under age drinking.  When I wanted to cry I wrapped those words around me like a blanket. The blanket, ran even more so with Emigrate because I knew all to well the pain in the album because I experienced every waking day. 

                I came here circa on 12 27 2003. The day after Boxing Day. The weather was perfect and I crossed over Michigan crossing, I tried not to think about how much I wanted to be in New York living my writer art.  I felt so away from my family and friends. On my own, in a land undiscovered and so adventurous or stupid but it was my time to take control of my life. It took a lot of balls to leave with $500 and two suitcases.  When that album dropped it gave me an extra blanket.  I have several blankets because with the wonderful magic music going digital it makes carrying around blankets becomes easier.  I told Lindsey, that should I survive, (which at that time sounded doubtful at the time) my one wish was to see Rammstein live in concert.  I mean I owed my novel to them and the comfort while I was fighting my inner rage.

                I mean I had a dream man that I saw every night in my dreams and they even helped me cop with that. I can’t help but to say I nearly shit bricks when I heard “Don’t die before I do” (clip provided below).  It made me feel better and ‘the dream dude’ situation which is still ongoing will be another lengthy post. I figure that maybe it is Jung’s shadow but when that post comes up I will talk all about it. He’s my other psychic half and even though we don’t get much to say to one another there is comfort in the fact that my brain is working itself through a double ganger. It shows that something is still going right as far as psychological development goes.

                So from the prayers that people sent me, Reiki and a shit ton of medication, the pain ebbed slightly and all of my cancer disappeared through whatever reason.  It left. Poof. One day, just poof. I shall spare the grisly details. 

                In May 2012, Rosemount, I finally got the chance to gain my death wish. I was so honored and so happy to have Jo and Curtis with me.  They didn’t know my story and nor did I expect them to. I was just happy to be there with them. I don’t think I could ever have thanked them enough for not only inviting me but celebrating.  It was one of the happiest day of life. I finally got to accomplish a dream I never would have otherwise. After Curtis and Jo hit the sack, I sat on perched on the window and drink wine reflecting over the day. 

                They came beside us with an aura that stunned me. A weight, I reflected as I swirled my wine.  A presence and the entire scenario seemed like an exorcism for the soul and a much need one at that.  I rejoiced with others like me and other the larger span of demographics. Example, a  9 year old child rocking his heart out and a 90 year old clapping with each song.  It made my life that even though the my reasons for being here might not be the same as other but everyone, connected by one ounce of happiness- shared the joy of music. What more could a girl ask for?

By the way, I tearing through the rewrites in my novel and hopefully by April or May it will be released on Amazon.  Or by Request, I’m not picky.