What are you doing with your life?

What are you doing with your life?:

                “Howdy, Ex-neighbor!” a voice came from behind me. I turned around to see my ‘Ex-neighbor’ standing happily behind me. The music blared and my ears twitched. Did he just call me Amber? No sooner did I think it, it came tumbling out of my mouth. “No, no,” he chided. “I said Ex-neighbor!” I apologized. It had been a long night, in fact VERY long night.  Another night being a low grade temp at a would be job running my ass off. I had tried to duck in and out but as per usual I end up staying a lot longer than I planned.  Blind dates gone badly. How to throw off the “I’m so not sexy” vibe, you know, the usual.  I gave the gal my ‘Satan’s double fist’ classic excuse.  It’s when you have your period like kicking donkey and the shits like a Mexican chili bowl. Descriptive and effective to fend off any unwanted attention from a gentleman caller, call me officially proud owner of this brain baby.

                “I said, how are you?” Ted yelled.

                “Good,” I smiled. “Very good and you?”

                “Great. Things are going wonderfully.”

                “That is really good to hear that. Are you doing better since your divorce?” He lifted an eyebrow.

                “You mean the one that happened 3 years ago?” oooo. Awkward.

                “Yeah,” I remarked. “It’s been a while since we’ve talked.” Okay. Not really but what the hell else am I supposed to do? “How’s your little one?” Children are always a safe zone for conversation. He’d been my neighbor for years and always been kind to me. I’ve always appreciated that. He answered questions about his life effectively.

                “So, How’s college going?”

                “I dropped out.”

                “What?” He yelled.

                “I left. ”

                “Now why did you that?”

                “I needed time to get my stuff together.” This was crawling into area of personal.

                “You shouldn’t have dropped out.” He pointed out starkly.  “Where are you working?” I prattled off the company I worked for.  His eyes grew big with happiness. “Congratulations!!! You must be so happy!”

                “Um,” I shook my head. “Not really.”

                “Well it’s not like your some temp or something.” I cringed. Great.

                “Oh no, Really?”

                “It could be worse, I’m just getting my life together.” He paused and took a long gaping look at me.

                “So tell me something,” he paused. “What are you doing?”

                “Huh?” He sighed.

                “What are you doing?”

                “Um, I-” He waved it off.

                “No, what are you doing, a college dropout, standing in a bar, drinking a bud light the night before thanksgiving?” No joke on the wording. I got a gut punch. Reality tumbled it’s way back into my life. Even as I stood there I felt ridiculous. The bud light I had cradled in my hand somehow seemed heavier. The ache in my legs thighs and feet started to thus with this startling reality. I guess it wasn’t all that startling. This was the reality that I tried to fight while I brushed my teeth and looked at myself in the mirror. The honest answer was, “I have no idea.” Everyone looked to me as if I knew what I was doing but all I kept doing was keeping my head above water until the next island.

                Smart ass mode kicked in before I choked out some corny thing I actually meant.

                “Well thanks for making me feel so fucking classy.” He laughed awkwardly.  I laughed right back at him. My life is a fucking mess…. Thanks for the reminder.