Back to blue:

                If I had my way, I wouldn’t be staring down the mouth of the porcelain goddess in a blind sense of pain filled disarray and yet, here I am. I hadn’t been eating, sleeping or seeing anyone. Depression was a harsh mistress.  I knew starring at the floating reminisces of my plain bagel that I was reliving a part of my nightmare. Reliving a world I wish I had left behind. The migraine was searing and clinging to my head like a thick viscous fluid. In my delirium, I sought wisdom that somewhere in my pain, there was something logical. Something I could cling to.

                A thick darkness invaded my mind before I made a single phone call. I knew that there was one thing that was mine and mine alone.  That was until the darkness captured the last part of me. The darkness ate and enraptured that last part of my mind and therefore the last of my existence. I saw bits and pieces that were left of that night and as I rose the next morning I was still gone.

                Everyone around was a swallowed part of the background. I didn’t understand, I didn’t know, I couldn’t remember. I knew somewhere beneath my soul I knew where I was but I couldn’t understand. I remembered crying about it starting again. Within seconds I was transferred to five years earlier staring up at the ceiling of the ER waiting for the MRI technician to prep the room.  They already knew I had cancer and yet it was just a matter of time before it ate me whole.  Those moments intertwined with one another, R was there or was he? I remember gazing over at him wondering who he was and where he had come from. For that matter who was I?

                I remember, “Glutus Maximus, Glutus miniumus ” and as the nurse corrected me at the time of injection. “Glutus Ventrical.” I repeated over and over again in some attempt to washout the thudding roar of pain. In my slurred breath, I made it smaller “Maximus, minimus, ventrical.” Everything blurred away like the blue ink. A few days later I still feel like a blue smear water down by something that was less than myself.  Everything can be taken away from you.